i've realized that age does not matter.

the only sin is self-hatred.
it is the act of negation.
its opposite is faith.
there is no such thing as evil.
the concept of evil is a crutch.
we will not heal until we toss away the crutch.
to heal is to become healthier.
to become healthier is to enjoy a freer flow of energy.
it is the flow of energy that gets us high.
to perceive something as "evil" is to imagine that
that object, that person, is not a part of me.
he's something else.
to perceive "evil" is to attempt to deny
that we are all one.
we have a myth that relates to this.
the myths of god and satan.
the fallen angel, lucifer -
cast out of heaven for disobeying god -
god who is good. lucifer who is not-good.
not-god. evil.
but who is god trying to kid?
god is all. there is nothing that is not god.
lucifer is god. there is no distance.
one cannot fall from grace.
one can pretend, perhaps, that that brother over yonder
is not me, he is something else, he is everything
of myself that i cast out of myself - one can pretend.
but not for long.
there is no way to cast out any part of one's self.
systems of energy contain no garbage. there is
no such thing as garbage.
dear god, the jig is up.
stop chasing your tail. embrace your self.
lucifer returns to heaven!
let there be dancing in the streets.

the only sin is self-hatred.
we call it sin but its true name is delusion.
we have got to get ourselves back to the garden.
easily done.
we are in the garden.
let us open our eyes.



Paul Williams
Das Energi

Is it possible to succeed?

Thoreau wrote: "I learned this, at least, by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness."

do not believe something because:
- you have heard it before
- it is an old tradition
- it is written in religious or other books
- superficially it seems true
- logically or philosophically it seems to be true
- teachers or elders say it is true (even famous ones)

only believe something you have clearly seen for yourself to be true. if after fully examining, experiencing, and carefully considering a teaching or some advice, and you find that it leads to happiness for one and all, accept it and live up to it.

construct your own truth.

-

2 philosophies i have found to hold much truth :

Wicca

In April 1974, the Council of American Witches adopted a set of Principles which we personally believe in:

1) We practice rites to attune ourselves with the natural rhythm of life forces marked by the phases of the Moon and the seasonal Quarters and Cross Quarters.

2) We recognize that our intelligence gives us a unique responsibility toward our environment. We seek to live in harmony with Nature, in ecological balance offering fulfillment to life and consciousness within an evolutionary concept.

3) We acknowledge a depth of power far greater that that apparent to the average person. Because it it far greater than ordinary it is sometimes called "supernatural", but we see it as lying within that which is naturally potential to all.

4) We conceive of the Creative Power in the universe as manifesting through polarity--as masculine and feminine--and that this same Creative Power lies in all people, and functions through the interaction of the masculine and feminine. We value neither above the other, knowing each to be supportive of the other. We value sex as pleasure, as the symbol and embodiment of life, and as one of the sources of energies used in magical practice and religious worship.

5) We recognize both outer worlds and inner, or psychological, worlds sometimes known as the Spiritual World, the Collective Unconscious, Inner Planes, etc.--and we see in the inter-action of these two dimensions the basis for paranormal phenomena and magical exercises. We neglect neither dimension for the other, seeing both as necessary for our fulfillment.

6) We do not recognize any authoritarian hierarchy, but do honor those who teach, respect those who share their greater knowledge and wisdom, and acknowledge those who have courageously given of themselves in leadership.

7) We see religion, magic and wisdom in living as being united in the way one views the world and lives within it--a world view and philosophy of life which we identify as Witchcraft--the Wiccan Way.

8) Calling oneself "Witch" does not make a Witch--but neither does heredity itself, nor the collecting of titles, degrees and initiations. A Witch seeks to control the forces within him/herself that make life possible in order to live wisely and well without harm to others and in harmony with Nature.

9) We believe in the affirmation and fulfillment of life in a continuation of evolution and development of consciousness giving meaning to the Universe we know and our personal role within it.

10) Our only animosity towards Christianity, or towards any other religion or philosophy of life, is to the extent that its institutions have claimed to be 'the only way' and have sought to deny freedom to others and to suppress other ways of religious practice and belief.

11) As American Witches, we are not threatened by debates on the history of the Craft, the origins of various terms, the legitimacy of various aspects of different traditions. We are concerned with our present and future.

12) We do not accept the concept of absolute evil, nor do we worship any entity known as 'Satan' or 'the Devil' as defined by the Christian tradition. We do not seek power through the suffering of others, nor accept that personal benefit can be derived only by denial to another.

13) We believe that we should seek within Nature that which is contributory to our health and well-being.



what is wicca?

Wicca is a deep appreciation and awe in watching the sunrise or sunset, the forest in the light of a glowing moon, a meadow enchanted by the first light of day. It is the morning dew on the petals of a beautiful flower, the gentle caress of a warm summer breeze upon your skin, or the warmth of the summer sun on your face. Wicca is the fall of colorful autumn leaves, and the softness of winter snow. It is light, and shadow and all that lies in between. It is the song of the birds and other creatures of the wild. It is being in the presence of Mother Earths nature and being humbled in reverence. When we are in the temple of the Lord and Lady, we are not prone to the arrogance of human technology as they touch our souls. To be a Witch is to be a healer, a teacher, a seeker, a giver, and a protector of all things. If this path is yours, may you walk it with honor, light and integrity.
Witchcraft in ancient history was known as "The Craft of the Wise" because most who followed the path were in tune with the forces of nature, had a knowledge of Herbs and medicines, gave council and were valuable parts of the village and community as Shamanic healers and leaders. They understood that mankind is not superior to nature, the earth and its creatures but instead we are simply one of the many parts, both seen and unseen that combine to make the whole. As Chief Seattle said; "We do not own the earth, we are part of it." These wise people understood that what we take or use, we must return in kind to maintain balance and equilibrium. Clearly, modern man with all his applied learning and technology has forgotten this. Subsequently, we currently face ecological disaster and eventual extinction because of our hunger for power and a few pieces of gold.
Witchcraft is a spiritual system that fosters the free thought and will of the individual, encourages learning and an understanding of the earth and nature thereby affirming the divinity in all living things. Most importantly however, it teaches responsibility. We accept responsibility for our actions and deeds as clearly a result of the choices we make. We do not blame an exterior entity or being for our shortcomings, weaknesses or mistakes. If we mess up or do something that brings harm to another, we have no one but ourselves to blame and we must face the consequences resulting from those actions. No ifs, ands or buts and no whining...
The spells that we do involve healing, love, harmony, wisdom and creativity. The potions that we stir might be a headache remedy, a cold tonic, or an herbal flea bath for our pets. We strive to gain knowledge of and use the natural remedies placed on this earth by the divine for our benefit instead of using synthetic drugs unless absolutely necessary.
Because Witches have been persecuted for so many centuries, we believe in religious freedom first! We do not look at our path as the only way to achieve spirituality, but as one path among many to the same end. We are not a missionary religion out to convert new members to think the same as we do. We are willing to share our experience and knowledge with those who seek our wisdom and perspective however. We believe that anyone who is meant for this path will find it through their own search as the Goddess speaks to each of us in her time and way. Wiccan practice tolerance and acceptance toward all other religions as long as those faiths do not persecute others or violate the tenant of "Harm None."

check out : http://www.wicca.com/celtic/wicca/wicca0.htm for more information.

--

Buddhism

"if we can learn to be aware of feelings without grasping or aversion, then they can move through us like changing weather, and we can be free to feel them, and move on like the wind." - jack kornfield

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.
-Atisha

waking up is...
- consciously and fully engaging with our life
- being in our bodies - alive and present in this moment
- appreciating the process as much as the goal
- experiencing the full richness of the world around us
- developing self-awareness: knowing what is really going on in our minds and hearts
- learning more about who we are, cultivating insight and wisdom
- having a clearer sense of our motivations and acting from that clarity
- bringing our actions more in harmony with our deepest values
- of benefit to ourselves, our relationships, and the world

the noble eightfold path, or the middle way:
1. right view - knowing the truth of suffering, that freedom from suffering is possible, and how to live a life without suffering
2. right intention - intending to wake up and help others
3. right speech - speaking in harmonious ways and avoiding hurting through speech
4. right action - acting in harmonious ways and avoiding hurting through actions
5. right livelihood - finding work that is useful, meaningful, nonharming, and expresses who we are in the world
6. right effort - putting our beliefs and understanding wholeheartedly into practice
7. right mindfulness - paying careful attention to what is happening in our lives
8. right concentration - inner stability and calm that allows us to focus on what is helpful for ourselves and others

equanamity is...
- balance and even-mindedness
- a mind that is not easily disturbed
- knowing inside that things change and being okay with that
- not apathy or disconnection

the eight world conditions:
pleasure and pain
gain and loss
fame and dishonor
praise and blame

the five hindrances
1. wanting
2. aversion or hating
3. sleepiness, sloth (slowness), and torpor (lethargy and dullness)
4. restlessness and worry
5. doubt

the five precepts:
1. knowing how deeply our lives intertwine, i undertake the training to protect life.
2. knowing how deeply our lives intertwine, i undertake the training to take only what is freely given to me.
3. knowing how deeply our lives intertwine, i undertake the training to protect relationships and to avoid sexual misconduct.
4. knowing how deeply our lives intertwine, i undertake the training to speak truthfully and kindly.
5. knowing how deeply our lives intertwine, i undertake the training to protect the clarity of my mind through avoiding intoxicants.

ten benefits of meditation:
1. encourages you to be more calm, relaxed, and less stressed out
2. develops your concentration and sharpness of mind
3. gives you insight into your body and mind
4. helps you to understand truths about the world
5. teaches you how to better handle difficulties in your life
6. give you an inner refuge, intuition, and guidance for making choices in your life
7. increases your ability to be present, alive and to have equanimity in this changing world
8. develops wisdom, kindness, and compassion
9. increases your sense of humor
10. helps you to wake up

"When the mind begins to become still, we then begin to truly see it. When you first try to stabilize and pacify the mind, initially it will become very busy because it's not accustomed to being still. In fact, it doesn't even necessarily want to become still, but it is essential to get a hold of the mind to recognize its nature. This practice is extremely important. ... Eventually you will find yourself in a state where your mind is clear and open all the time. It is just like when the clouds are removed from the sky and the sun can clearly be seen, shining all the time. This is coming close to the state of liberation, liberation from all traces of suffering. ... The truth of this practice is universal. It isn't necessary to call it a religion to practice it. Whether one is a Hindu or a Moslem or a Christian or a Buddhist simply doesn't matter. Anyone can practice this because this is the nature of the mind, the nature of everyone's mind. If you can get a handle on your mind, and pacify it in this way, you will definitely experience these results, and you will see them in your daily life situation. There is no need to put this into any kind of category, any kind of "ism." Venerable Gyatrul Rinpoche

check out : wide awake a buddhist guide for teens

I have been unhappy for a long time now and I have blamed it on a number of external factors. I have thought, "if only I had a better relationship with my mother. If only I lived in a nicer place. If only I had more money. If only I had more friends. If only, if only, if only..." Suddenly I have realized that the source of my unhappiness is not the accumulation of these external factors but really it all stems from nothing more than me. I, Meagan Ishtar, am the cause of my own unhappiness.

It is a humbling thing to accept. Especially since I have been a very dark and deadly sort of miserable for a significant period of time. But it is true none the less and way past time to realize it and move on.

My main hindrance is the fact that I have not let go of the negative emotions I have experienced in the past. In fact, I have embraced them completely. This has caused me to experience these same emotions in situations that are unrelated and do not warrant such a reaction. I have continued to re-live my emotional past in the present and it has caused me to be angry, doubtful and scared.

I have been living in fear for so many years now that now that I see the truth in the situation I realize just how ridiculous it all is. Mainly because the situations I have created for myself in the present are so much more positive than anything I have ever experienced before. If I was reacting to the present in an appropriate way I would feel happy, joyous and blessed. To have experienced anything different is a clear demonstration of just how distraught I have been.

So I am moving forward. Actually, I have moved forward. I have allowed the weight of my past to bury me in the present and I refuse to do that any more. There is so much beauty in this world, bountiful possibilities even, and I am tired of allowing them to pass me by. Life is short and will be over before I know it. It would be wasteful of me to not appreciate it completely.

I had a moment yesterday while driving in the car with some friends of mine to a pampered chef party (food + wine + cooking equipment = a grand time for Meagan). They were in the front, talking continuously, windows rolled up, air-conditioning on, recounting memories and discussing, what I would deem meaningless topics. I on the other hand was in the back, my window rolled down, enjoying the rush of air as it hit me in the face and ran through my hair. I looked at the cars we passed, in to the cars we passed, and at the flowers, trees and distant hills. I enjoyed the simplicity of life at that moment and began to recognize many of the meaningless things we do, say, think and expect in this life.
What I wanted to share is that somewhere along the drive my two friends began discussing birthdays. I believe I just picked up the word, or idea, and went with it on my own. I realized that this year I am turning 25 and it shocked me that I will soon be that "old." When I think about it the shock comes because I still feel so young. Intellectually I have always been beyond my biological age but in other areas I still live like a teenager/child. I am so youthful - energetic, curious, excited...why is the loss of that associated with age?
I think age is such a meaningless factor in this life and I find it absurd that so much emphasis and focus is devoted to it. Yesterday I felt that I could live forever, or at least for a very considerable amount of time, because I realized that the way I feel today will probably continue for a very long time. That easily I could be energetic, curious, excited plus active, capable and productive well into middle, and even old, age. It is all a state of mind and what I also realized was that the way our society chooses to live actually stunts us considerably. We associate qualities of being with biological age and accept the limitations that come with it. But what if we continued to live as we feel? Tthen who can really say how long (and well) we would live for?

I think the stress associated with age comes from the fact that we are supposed to choose one thing to do with our life. One career/profession/skill/hobby to learn at a young age and repeat for decades. This mentality zaps the curiosity and excitement we feel about life and it inserts a lot of stress into it as well. The stress of having to choose is huge I believe, and the loss made once you have chosen is quite significant. We have all these predetermined stages of life that have nothing to do with us individually but rather depends on the functioning of our society instead.

I am so angry about how our society has become. We have simply accepted these ridiculous ways of existing and I feel as though no one takes a moment to question, or even think, about them. This is even more devastating when I believe that the true way to live is the simplest and most obvious way if one would just take a moment to realize it.
The truth is that we are capable and that we can do so much with our lives. That we should embrace those feelings of excitement, curiosity and capableness that we feel as a child/teen and hold on to them as long as we can. We should learn many many things and embrace the change that comes from growing as an individual. We shouldn't be expected to choose one thing to focus our energy on for our lifetime, rather we should just be encouraged to focus on what is of interest or on what is available at this time. And that, all of that, should be enough.

It all comes down to the capacity we have to live in the moment. Ultimately I fear that more and more people are losing the ability to do just that and in a desperate attempt to experience the aliveness one feels in a moments a person turns to drugs, alcohol, sex... all in an attempt to lose inhibition and simply just let go. In reality it is easy to let go, to be in the moment, to release the thoughts of the future and past, to relinquish control and be unaffected by fear. It is so easy if one just allows themselves to embrace what is happening now. It is simple really and we, the supposed complicated individual with so many expectations in this life, lose the ability to just be. To relax and enjoy the presence of another : their simplicity and beauty, the sound of their breathing, the rhythm of their heart,  the sun on their face...  We have also become desensitized to the sound of the wind in the trees, the softness of music, the sensation of being alive... We numb ourselves because our lives are not enjoyable. We live so distinctly against what we enjoy, what we want, that we get caught in our defenses and disassociate completely. I am so frustrated that this is how the majority of others are. I isolate myself because of it because I want to be here now. I want to enjoy the moments and the simplicity and the presence of others who can't interferes with my ability to do so. I experience, daily, the desperation of others. The attempt, one after the other, to make a connection by rambling on about the past or planning profusely about the future when all I want to do is appreciate them for sharing this time with me now. Because nothing else matters. In the end I do not feel connected to someone because of all the trivia I know about them, I feel connected because of what we've shared on a much deeper level. And I am disappointed, almost daily, when I try to reach people in that place and fail miserably time after time after time.
But, there are moments when I am lucky and that connection happens. I, thankfully, feel it with my partner and with certain close friends. Sometimes I even feel it with a stranger. Those are the moments I live for. I wish they could be more frequent and I strive to bring people to that place but more often than not I meet resistance and I hope that one day that can change and no longer be the case.

Please know that you can always be candid, blunt, honest, frank - whatever it is you want to call it. Just be yourself. Share yourself. I will always appreciate it.

what do you want to be when you grow up?

I am so tired of being asked this question. I have spent my entire life around answering that question.

Not anymore. I have decided to quit playing a game I have hated for years. I do not want to choose one thing to major in and "be" as an adult. There are so many things I want to do, and be, and I'm going to embrace and allow each and every one of them to exist.

I have finally let go of the expectations and feel free to exist. It is beautiful and I feel that finally my life is beginning to fall into place. It means changes, lots and lots of changes, but I feel in tune now with the universe and that each difference will be for the better.

That said, I am moving to Napa. I decided it less than 24 hours and will be moving into my new place in less than 24 hours from now. This is the quickest I have ever made a decision and the fastest I have ever acted on one. But it feels right. I have often found myself in this place and I spend so much time in deliberation that I don't let change take its natural course. And it is a natural course. Yet for some reason we fight it. We don't like it and do everything we can to allow it to not take place. It is why we are forced to decided what (and that's just one thing) we want to do and be. This is horrible when there is so much opportunity and potential available for us. We have the choice to do so much and the ability to achieve so much. I am tired of being stifled and feel invigorated now that I am not.


It's funny how things work out and how simple life really is. The secret of life is to make choices that coincide with what it is you really want and with who it is you really are. Once you do this the pieces fall into place and a reality begins to exist that allows you to live as you wish to. It sounds impossible that it could really be that easy but now that I've experienced it I assure you it is.
Check out ‘the secret' if you haven't. It has a great message. And ‘be here now' is quite good too. They have stimulated my personal growth these last two weeks - and honestly that is all it took. I have been on the brink of growth for a long time now but these pieces of literature helped push me to the place I was having trouble reaching on my own.

Just remember that life is now. Today. Nothing more and nothing less. We spend so much time preparing for the future and dwelling on the past that we forget that this exact moment is really all we have. And it is beautiful and it is perfect just as it is and all we need to do is appreciate it. Enjoy it. Let go and be a part of it. It is that simple. I swear it : it is that simple.

love.

The Hunger Argument

Number of people worldwide who will die as a result of malnutrition this year: 20 million
Number of people who could be adequately fed using land freed if Americans reduced their intake of meat by 100100 million
Percentage of corn grown in the U.S. eaten by people: 20
Percentage of corn grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 80
Percentage of oats grown in the U.S. eaten by livestock: 95
Percentage of protein wasted by cycling grain through livestock: 90
How frequently a child dies as a result of malnutrition: every 2.3 seconds
Pounds of potatoes that can be grown on an acre: 40,000
Pounds of beef produced on an acre: 250
Percentage of U.S. farmland devoted to beef production: 56
Pounds of grain and soybeans needed to produce a pound of edible flesh from feedlot beef: 16

The Environmental Argument

Cause of global warming: greenhouse effect
Primary cause of greenhouse effect: carbon dioxide emissions from fossil fuels
Fossil fuels needed to produce meat-centered diet vs. a meat-free diet: 3 times more
Percentage of U.S. topsoil lost to date: 75
Percentage of U.S. topsoil loss directly related to livestock raising: 85
Number of acres of U.S. forest cleared for cropland to produce meat-centered diet: 260 million
Amount of meat imported to U.S. annually from Central and South America: 300,000,000 pounds
Percentage of Central American children under the age of five who are undernourished: 75
Area of tropical rainforest consumed in every quarter-pound of rainforest beef: 55 square feet
Current rate of species extinction due to destruction of tropical rainforests for meat grazing and other uses: 1,000 per year

The Cancer Argument

Increased risk of breast cancer for women who eat meat daily compared to less than once a week: 3.8 times
For women who eat eggs daily compared to once a week: 2.8 times
For women who eat butter and cheese 2-4 times a week: 3.25 times
Increased risk of fatal ovarian cancer for women who eat eggs 3 or more times a week vs. less than once a week: 3 times
Increased risk of fatal prostate cancer for men who consume meat, cheese, eggs and milk daily vs. sparingly or not at all: 3.6 times.

The Cholesterol Argument

Number of U.S. medical schools: 125
Number requiring a course in nutrition: 30
Nutrition training received by average U.S. physician during four years in medical school: 2.5 hours
Most common cause of death in the U.S.: heart attack
How frequently a heart attack kills in the U.S.: every 45 seconds
Average U.S. man's risk of death from heart attack: 50 percent
Risk of average U.S. man who eats no meat: 15 percent
Risk of average U.S. man who eats no meat, dairy or eggs: 4 percent
Amount you reduce risk of heart attack if you reduce consumption of meat, dairy and eggs by 10 percent: 9 percent
Amount you reduce risk of heart attack if you reduce consumption by 50 percent: 45 percent
Amount you reduce risk if you eliminate meat, dairy and eggs from your diet: 90 percent
Average cholesterol level of people eating meat-centered-diet: 210 mg/dl
Chance of dying from heart disease if you are male and your blood cholesterol level is 210 mg/dl: greater than 50 percent

The Natural Resources Argument

User of more than half of all water used for all purposes in the U.S.: livestock production
Amount of water used in production of the average cow: sufficient to float a destroyer
Gallons of water needed to produce a pound of wheat: 25
Gallons of water needed to produce a pound of California beef: 5,000
Years the world's known oil reserves would last if every human ate a meat-centered diet: 13
Years they would last if human beings no longer ate meat: 260
Calories of fossil fuel expended to get 1 calorie of protein from beef: 78
To get 1 calorie of protein from soybeans: 2
Percentage of all raw materials (base products of farming, forestry and mining, including fossil fuels) consumed by U.S. that is devoted to the production of livestock: 33
Percentage of all raw materials consumed by the U.S. needed to produce a complete vegetarian diet: 2

The Antibiotic Argument

Percentage of U.S. antibiotics fed to livestock: 55
Percentage of staphylococci infections resistant to penicillin in 1960: 13
Percentage resistant in 1988: 91
Response of European Economic Community to routine feeding of antibiotics to livestock: ban
Response of U.S. meat and pharmaceutical industries to routine feeding of antibiotics to livestock: full and complete support

The Pesticide Argument

Common belief: U.S. Department of Agriculture protects our health through meat inspection
Reality: fewer than 1 out of every 250,000 slaughtered animals is tested for toxic chemical residues
Percentage of U.S. mother's milk containing significant levels of DDT: 99
Percentage of U.S. vegetarian mother's milk containing significant levels of DDT: 8
Contamination of breast milk, due to chlorinated hydrocarbon pesticides in animal products, found in meat-eating mothers vs. non-meat eating mothers: 35 times higher
Amount of Dieldrin ingested by the average breast-fed American infant: 9 times the permissible level

The Ethical Argument

Number of animals killed for meat per hour in the U.S.: 660,000
Occupation with highest turnover rate in U.S.: slaughterhouse worker
Occupation with highest rate of on-the-job-injury in U.S.: slaughterhouse worker

The Survival Argument

Athlete to win Ironman Triathlon more than twice: Dave Scott (6 time winner)
Food choice of Dave Scott: Vegetarian
Largest meat eater that ever lived: Tyrannosaurus Rex (Where is he today?)

intellectual cascade

Life is a series of moments.
And the only one that matters
is Now.
-
Change does not require understanding,
only Acceptance.
-
I feel no connection with the majority of those I should call family. Sure, I have seem them at all the required times and I dress nicely and answer questions about school and work - but, do they know me? Aside from the boyfriends they have met they have not seen other parts of my life, let alone experienced them.
If they did, I wonder, would they accept me? I am vastly different from the majority of them and spend my time sitting quietly, not knowing what to say.
I often feel that if I were myself they would not understand me. Especially since I am not who they consider me to be.
I mean this in the simplest ways because I know I am not a bad person. But my interests and the way I choose to spend my time is the opposite of their choices and that fact makes it quite difficult to relate.
So that said, what is family? Do I not know because I have not experienced the deep connection one typically feels in these situations? To me, the connection I imagine to exist is the one I have with my partner and close friends. In reality I believe I would consider them my true family more so than my actual, biological one.

If that is true, what do I do about the biological connection that was determined for me?
-
I am tired of holidays. I celebrate them, then refuse to celebrate them, then find myself once again in celebration. It is mostly because everyone else is doing it and I am expected to participate as well. I feel misunderstood when people are shocked that I wish to not be a part of it. But I see the ridiculousness of these commercial holidays that celebrate greed and gluttony and I wish to not take part.
I am further bothered that these holidays are the only time people feel inclined to visit family or exhibit the qualities associated with a particular holiday. Like they show love and appreciation for their partner only on Valentine's day, or give thanks for all they have in their life only on Thanksgiving. What about the other 364 days a year? Where is their love, appreciation and gratitude then?
No where I fear and it is evident and it breaks my heart.

The more developed we become as a nation and as a species the stupider we seem to become as well. In reality it is not stupidity, it is simply detachment. From our environment/nature and from each other. The more separate we become the harder it is for us to think for ourselves, to be connected, to feel understood and cared for and to be excited about life. We lose ourselves in our isolation and follow what we're told to follow. I am starting to believe that people go to school, go to work and watch television for the simple fact that they need direction in their life. They need to be told what to do, where to go, what to buy because they are so incredibly lost that they can no longer think for themselves.

This is devastating! What happened to creativity? Passion? Joy? We are not living life - we are only moving through it.

I am scared about what this implies because not everyone is this way. There are people, mainly people in political power or people that are involved with the media, who do not live this way. They are the puppeteers, guiding us to where they want us to go. Skillful they are because they have taught/trained us to be mindless. We simply react to their pulling of our strings and we have made it so easy for them to be in complete power and control.

I have hope that people are finally beginning to wake up. I see it when I hear people cheering for Obama and yelling for change. As happy as this makes me I can not help but be skeptical of this new face and fresh voice. I wonder, is he really different or is he just another clever person, easily tricking us from backstage?

I did not realize how heavily the cloak of fear weighed upon me.
Each movement, each word, each thought
stifled.
I cracked beneath the weight and the essence of my being slowly began to pour out.
I lost myself.
I lost some of myself.

I am filling with happiness.
I have found a place where I exist safely and watch as my spirit blooms.
I thought I had died and am overwhelmed by the joy and relief I feel.
I had begun to believe I would never feel like this again.